Dear Johnny: Are you good enough?

Dear Johnny,

I was looking through some old pictures today and suddenly realised there’s so much I should tell you. To be more precise, there’s so much I know you need to hear, and I also know no one else has ever said these things to you.

I should have written earlier. Please don’t be angry with me. I was kind of busy sorting things out for a while—fifty-sixty years or so. It takes time, you know, to understand—time and a lot of learning and distance enough from it all to see clearly.

I don’t understand everything yet, but I’m starting to crack some codes. It has been like struggling with a jigsaw puzzle for decades, and the big picture finally starts to appear before my eyes. I will explain it all to you as it gets clearer.

There is one thing, however, that I urgently need to tell you:

You are good enough!

Because I know the belief that you aren’t is like a screaming pain inside you. I know this is a howl inside you in whatever situation you enter: the fear of being put down, exposed, and humiliated for not being good enough.

Why? Why can’t you see you’re good enough?

Because you feel ugly, stupid, and worthless

This is why I realised I couldn’t postpone writing anymore after going through those old photographs today. I suddenly remembered how ashamed you feel of yourself, how firmly you believe others will find you disgusting.

It doesn’t add up. All I see in those pictures is a perfectly normal young boy. Perhaps not the type they would use as models in men’s magazine adverts back them, but tall, slim, strong, and handsome enough. I can’t see anything that anyone should find disgusting about you.

Stupid? You don’t really believe that yourself, do you? Your grades are top-of-the-class. However, there is a difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. In some ways, I think you have good self-confidence. Deep down, you know you’re smart and have knowledge and skills.

Conversely, self-esteem is about your sense of worth and value, and you fail terribly in this area, which is also why you feel worthless.

It’s time to ask: Why do you feel this way?

Exactly.

Let’s start by asking, who says you’re ugly, stupid, and worthless? I know, I know, it’s the voices inside you, day and night, always. But who put those voices in there? Whose voices are they in reality?

We don’t need to mention names here. We both know who they are. It’s all those people who never miss an opportunity to pour criticism, sarcasm, and mockery over you.

It took me a long, long time to understand why people behave this way. But now I know we’re talking about very small people, not necessarily in physical appearance but in personality. The only way for such people to feel big and, yes, good enough themselves is to push others down and make them feel utterly tiny.

Who do you think are the most stupid and disgusting people, then, dear Johnny? You? Or the ones who deliberately crush others to prop up themselves?

These people aren’t important to you

Please don’t confuse the attention they give you with interest. You are not important to them. They don’t hate you. They probably don’t even dislike you much. When you’re out of their sight, you are primarily out of their mind.

However, whenever they feel for it, and you’re there, they just can’t resist torturing you a bit because it makes them feel better. It’s like a drug for them.

It’s totally incomprehensible for such people that they are doing anything wrong. They are too stupid or selfish to understand they are harming anyone. And even if they understood, they would be too stupid or selfish to care.

The things they’re saying to you don’t matter. It doesn’t even matter to them. Whoever you are, whatever you do, they will always find something to attack you for. One way or another, you will always be ‘not normal’, ‘not good enough’ for them, as long as they can use you in the moment for their own sadistic pleasure.

What does the future hold for you?

I’m afraid I can’t promise you any quick fixes because miracles aren’t waiting for you just around the corner. No one will help you for decades, so you must learn to help yourself.

However, time is working for you. Please don’t despair.

You will still meet more people who rejoice in pushing you down. And you will meet friendly people whom you will resist opening up to because you learned early on you shouldn’t trust anyone. This is a pity because there are many good people out there.

However, in the end, you will finally meet the one who loves you enough to break through your armour and make you understand you are loveable and more than good enough.

Your journey will feel long and lonely until then. However, in a way, you won’t be alone. I will never leave you now if you promise you won’t give up. Because you and I are one. 

In fact, you are me, 45 years ago.

Love,
Tom

Dear Johnny is a series of letters I write to myself as a younger person. In this case, the 15-year-old me. I have named the former me Johnny to separate him from the present Tom. All pictures used in this article are AI-generated illustrations. Some resemble younger versions of my wife and me but aren’t real pictures.