8 reasons why talking about anxiety and depression helps

Oh, we middle-aged men are a capable breed. Think of all the experience and skills we bring to the table, whatever table we are talking about. Except, sadly, the skill of expressing emotions, let alone talking about anxiety and depression if we suffer from them. And way too many of us do, even though we would never admit it. God forbid!

However, after contemplating the matter for a while (20 years), I’m willing to testify (“the truth and nothing but the truth”) that talking about anxiety and depression helps. Oh, many of my peers in gender and age will doubt my credibility on the matter because we all know there are some things we better leave unsaid. Presumably, if we leave them unsaid long enough, they will one day go away, right?

The problem is that too many men die because they grow tired of waiting. So, let’s get serious and start talking about it.

Ok, what’s so fabulous about talking, then?

Wait a minute! Let’s get this straight: It’s not always fabulous talking about your anxiety or depression. Not at all. I’ve had many occasions when it felt like a complete failure. In the worst case, it can be rather traumatic. If talking to someone is going to benefit you in any way, success depends on one thing:

You must find the right person to talk to. You don’t want to feel misunderstood, judged, ridiculed, or humiliated. It’s difficult enough to open up in the first place.

So, who is the perfect person to talk to?

This depends more on personality than on the role the person has in your life. Partners, parents, and siblings might be considered obvious choices, but sometimes they aren’t. Ideally, you should look for these characteristics in people:

Discreet

You don’t want to talk to someone who doesn’t respect your privacy. Naturally, it’s essential for you to feel safe when talking to someone about mental health challenges. You will have to consider people’s trustworthiness when it comes to confidentiality. 

Nonjudgmental

For most of us, one of the main reasons we find it difficult to open up about our anxiety and depression is the fear of being judged. However, remember that being nonjudgmental isn’t the same as always agreeing with you.

You need someone who respects your thoughts, opinions, and experiences and doesn’t make you feel inferior or foolish during the conversation. Still, the person you’re talking to may have other points of view on some things. What matters is how both of you handle and express differing opinions.

As I will return to, getting a second opinion about things is one of the big advantages of talking to someone.

Honest

You don’t need conversation partners who bring their own agendas into the conversation against your interests. On the other hand, you don’t need someone who kisses your bottom no matter what you say or do.

What you do need is honest and respectful opinions and advice.

Interested

You’ll want to find someone interested enough to listen to what you say and give you the time to explain how you see things. Interested people will be curious about what you say, ask questions, and encourage you.

On the other hand, if you feel interrupted all the time, shut down, or the conversation always seems to be about the other person after a minute, you probably haven’t found the right one.

Empathetic

Empathetic people will understand your feelings and emotionally resonate with them. They can “feel what you feel” even though their situation differs from yours. This is essential for creating a real connection between you.

Pity isn’t the same as empathy. While empathy comes from someone who puts themselves in your shoes and is on your level, pity comes from someone who feels they are somewhere above you looking down.

Mature

In this context, maturity isn’t about age. It’s about emotional maturity or, at the opposite end, emotional inhibition and immaturity.

I’ve had excellent, deep conversations about mental health challenges with relatively young people, both about my challenges and theirs. An example of a talk that didn’t work out well happened around 2010 with a relative of mine, who was then in his eighties:

I was doing some physical work, and he was watching. He: “You are out of breath. Are you unfit?” Me: “It’s probably because of the medicines I take.” He: “What medicines? Aren’t you well?” Me: “It’s antidepressants.” He (after a pause): “Okay.”

My mental health situation wasn’t a subject he could find in himself to discuss, and it was never again mentioned between us.

Reliable

For many of us, it takes a lot to build the courage to talk about our anxiety and depression. Short-notice changes and cancellations can feel like rejection and betrayal in this situation, even if it’s just accidental.

Anyway, you are better off looking for reliable people who are willing to give you priority on the occasions you agree to spend time together. You need predictability because you are vulnerable if you suffer from anxiety or depression, and that’s okay.

Knowledgeable and experienced

Finding someone to talk to who has personal experience or deep knowledge of the areas you need to discuss can be such a relief. You know, the people who know exactly what you mean before you finish your sentences.

On the other hand, personal experience and knowledge aren’t absolute requirements if the person in question is interested, empathetic, and emotionally mature.

I’ve seen the utter opposite, though. Some years ago, someone I care a lot about was hospitalised because of an eating disorder, and the person in charge of the treatment was a psychologist with a PhD in that particular disorder. I learned from meeting that psychologist that tons of book knowledge isn’t worth a penny if you are devoid of empathy and respect for other people’s personal needs.

Knowledge is never a guarantee for wisdom.

Understandably, expecting anyone you know to tick all these boxes seems like a tall order. I’ll return to this further down.

But now: The benefits of talking about it

In my experience, talking to someone about our anxiety or depression helps us in two ways:

1. What I call “interpersonal benefits”, and
2. The benefits of the thought process.

Let me explain, and I’ll start with the “interpersonal benefits”:

#1 To break the silence is a huge relief in itself

One thing is to suffer from something, whether it’s physical or emotional pain. What makes it worse is the feeling we must keep it secret. If we find the right person to talk to, the first conversation feels like breathing fresh air after being imprisoned in a claustrophobic chamber for too long.

#2 It reduces shame

Yes, because what is keeping secrets often about? It’s shame. Guilt. There’s something wrong with us. We’re not normal. And it’s our fault. You know the feeling, right?

A conversation with the right person will quickly show that we aren’t as abhorrent as we thought.

#3 It reduces loneliness

Few things can make us feel as lonely as anxiety and depression. After all, we’re locked in with these villains in our heads. And soon, we’re in a vicious circle. Anxiety and depression feed loneliness, and loneliness feeds anxiety and depression.

There is someone out there who can help us break this circle!

#4 You get someone’s validation

Imagine hearing someone say, “Yes, I understand what you’re saying perfectly. How hard it must have been for you.” after keeping something a secret for years. Someone believes us! Someone confirms there’s truth in what we’re saying!

This means we’re not alone in the world anymore.

#5 You get support and empathy

There’s something special about knowing someone has our back, even if it’s just to have someone trustworthy to talk to. Support doesn’t necessarily need to be more than knowing someone’s there when we need them and knowing they know how we feel.

#6 You can get a second opinion

Sometimes, if we spend too much time alone with our anxiety or depression, we might start to warp reality a bit. Good things turn irrelevant. Irrelevant things turn bad. Bad things turn worse.

A good conversation partner will understand why reality can get distorted in our situation and help us realise this without making us feel stupid.

#7 You can get an accountability partner

Healing from anxiety and depression can be quite a journey. We can make the steps as small as needed, but the steps must still be taken.

Often, it can help if someone holds us accountable for our progress. In a nice, encouraging, and empathic way, of course.

So far, it’s all been about the benefits of what’s happening between us and the one we’re talking to. Let’s have a look at what’s going on in our heads.

#8 The benefits of the thought process

I can’t explain this from a neuroscientific perspective. However, this is how I see it based on personal experience:

1. Others can’t know what’s going on inside us. To talk to them about it, we need to formulate something intelligible.
2. To formulate it, we must understand what we feel.
3. Only when we understand our feelings can we acknowledge, accept, and start doing something about it.

As you can see, this is more about our inner journey of discovering, understanding, and accepting ourselves than about the people we’re talking to. But after all, we are the main characters in this story. It’s on the inside that vital work must be done. Conversation partners are there to help and support you in the process.

But wait a minute:

What does accepting mean here?

Before you ask:

• When I say “accepting ourselves”, I don’t mean accepting our anxiety or depression in the sense of “giving up doing something about it”. Far from it!
• Neither do I mean “accepting” the reasons why we suffer from anxiety or depression in the first place, in the sense of “it’s okay that it happened”. Again, far from it!

When I say “accepting ourselves”, I mean accepting that we feel what we feel right now. Because that’s reality, and denying reality is a poor starting point for doing something about it.

Oh, don’t worry; I can see a million reasons why it can be extremely hard to uncover, understand, and accept reality. I promise you, I’ve been there. Still, it’s necessary work to do.

So, now it’s time for us to set off and:

Find the perfect people to talk to

God, I know how hard they are to find! When I was 55, I incidentally met my present wife, the only person in my whole life who has ticked each and every box in my “perfect person” section above.

I fear many people never find someone like this among their partners, relatives, friends, colleagues, or other people they spend time with. However, perfection isn’t always necessary.

Your cousin Tina may not know much about your problem and has no personal experience with it. Still, Tina has always been friendly, honest, and empathetic and shows genuine interest in others. Tina might be the person you turn to.

But sometimes, we need something else:

The professional alternative

Starting therapy was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Apart from being raised to never talk about emotion (like most men of my generation), the hardest thing about starting therapy was that I didn’t fully understand what it was about. No one explained the facts and benefits I’ve listed above.

For me, going to a ‘shrink’ meant I was a loonie. And a wimp and a loser. I had learned that much from my cultural upbringing.

I am, as you probably have guessed, not too sure this is true anymore 🙂

So what is it really about, being in therapy? It’s about getting the benefits I’ve listed above in a safe environment. It’s not more of a mystery than this. True, the relationship with a therapist doesn’t always work out, and a relationship you pay for isn’t quite the same as having a trusted partner or friend.

On the other hand, therapists are usually (and naturally) much more knowledgeable than most relatives and friends and have professional integrity to observe.

How about your most important helper?

Who? Oh, the one and only: You!

Reaping the “interpersonal benefits’ is naturally rather difficult on your own. Of course, there are ways to comfort yourself, but it will never be the same as another person’s support and empathy. After all, we are social creatures.

However, the benefits of the thought process are available to you,  even if you don’t have anyone to talk to. The best way to engage in a conversation with yourself is by writing. I’ll return to this in a later article.

As you see, many roads lead to Rome. There is always something you can do. There is always hope!

All pictures used in this article are AI-generated illustrations. One of them resembles me, but it’s not a real picture.